May 2012
1 post
Autumn Love
He didn’t have a face, but I knew he was my type. He was sweet and had a great smile. We playfully chased each other around, I grabbed him and fell into a pile of orange leaves, we laughed. I looked into his eyes, and kissed him. I was in love.
And the more I figured it was a dream, I shut my eyes tighter, hoping that maybe in some fantasy-dream-come-true-movie-magic scenario he would be...
April 2012
4 posts
Splashes and Ripples
Twisted - you are. Twisted - you make me. I can’t do anything, I’m helplessly struggling to smile. I drag my feet towards you, I dread every word said - by you, by me. I keep telling myself to avoid negative energy. But alas.
It’s a power struggle, it’s a tightrope, it’s a rope - a noose. I’m struggling to keep my sanity. I’m forcing my body not to...
It's Not Personal (Until You Fucking Make It)
So correct me if I’m wrong but if two jocks are just fucking around “acting gay”, it’s completely hilarious and acceptable, but if two guys who are sincerely in love and want to hold hands in public, it’s not? Wow, I applaud your narrow-minded brain; your simplistic view of the world is so very amusing.
Erm, newsflash, I don’t think your Neanderthal genes are...
(Don't) Forget This Tomorrow
Everything’s so pointless. Where is this going? I don’t know. That’s the point - pointlessness. What is the meaning of all this? Am I gaining anything? Not much. Nothing long-term. Nothing substantial. Nothing solid. Nothing firm. Nothing.
Remember this feeling. I hope I do tomorrow. Let me sink into deep thought and emotional confusion. Cause I think it’ll help me more...
Weekend Woes
So in a weekend, I lost my phone, reached my personal limit for alcohol in a bad way, had a disaster date, and worried about the work waiting for me in the office tomorrow the entire way through. Nice. I feel almost disgusted with myself. It’s like I need to take a shower with boiling water and scream my lungs out.
But, glad to say I’m done moping around in self pity. I can’t...
March 2012
5 posts
Scrub Between Your Fingers
My hands are squeaky clean. I like this. I’ve washed it all off. Everything. It’s like life’s back to normal again. No more looking back, no more wondering, no more holding back. I’m walking again. And I feel almost stupid to stop living because of a tiny bump in the road. It’s water under the bridge now, flowing, moving, gone. I’m fluid again. Water....
Just A Thought
Why to I even listen when I don’t have to? Cause I care? Nope, couldn’t care less. Then why? Cause I have to. Responsibility? Perhaps. Or just pure hatred? Perhaps so as well.
God, Karen, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Modern Warfare
This is stupid. I can’t possibly think that just because of that. What?! No, this is. Ok actually I am. Am I? I think I could be. No, it’s weakness, I will not be weak, I’m not a push over I think. Oh fuck this, does it matter that much? Fuck this weak bullshit. If it’s anything, it’s courage. But if that is so, doesn’t it seem a little desperate? I’m just...
A Nightmare of A Dream
It was like a rude punch in the face after I thought that was the last of it. My subconscious mind is such a fucktard. The truth is, I wished for that, but it never came, I had too high an expectation, I tried to climb up the ladder but fell instead.
Now I’m stuck here, wondering. My heart still in knots. My mind still in the impossible.
“If you need a place to run to, for better or worse, I got you.”
February 2012
4 posts
Buzzing Static (I Can't Hear Myself)
I don’t. I can’t even. What did I. Did it just. What on earth just. Why? Could I. I wasn’t even. I wish. If only. Could anything have. It would right? I mean. If only I. But. But. I guess it’s. So.
Cut. Fades to black.
Squeak
Come play with me, I’m here to fulfil all your deepest pleasures. I’m the plastic doll of your dreams. Move me however you want, throw me on the floor, throw me on the bed, lift my arms, lift my legs. Use me, abuse me. I will do anything to make you feel good.
Just don’t talk to me. Don’t show me any form of emotion - don’t even try. I am incapable of expressing any...
Wild Ones
Yet another breeder.
Sigh, I’m wondering if fate will have anything planned in the near near future, cause as of now, this game I’m playing with myself is getting pretty sad. It’s okay if I go by day by day and be completely oblivious to it, but it’s moments like this, I wake up for a while and look myself in the eye, and realise the horror.
I’m forever waiting....
Head Banging
I’m getting an abrupt spasm every 20 seconds with this migraine. No sudden movements of my head or I’ll have to cringe and tolerate that sharp pain again. I can feel the impending pain coming. Hngg. There it goes again.
I feel like taking a power drill to the head. Let the pain drain out of my thumping skull. Or perhaps the tumour inside will crawl out and evolve into a human being....
January 2012
7 posts
“Because I was proud.”
You've Got Mail
Another night walking home from his place, cigarette in hand, smiling myself silly. My iPod had ran out of battery so I was desperately trying to think of a song I could sing to myself - being the music addict that I am.
A mailbox.
God, I thought to myself walking past it, I never realised it was there before. I must have walked this way a countless times, but if one were to ask me if there...
“In God’s eyes, all men are equal.”
Redemption
He was small - so so small. I pitied him with each word he said, each sentence that came out from his mouth, each sweeping - and nonsensical - statement he said.
I wanted to stop him, tell him how much bigger the world was beyond his myopic vision. But the more he ranted on.
I could blame myself, but I couldn’t do much now that it was done. He left me with mixed feelings, the cold night...
Angry Hands
There you go, another happy couple. All smiles, all laughs, all good, all normal. Publicly showing any form of affection they could and would.
I took one too many side glances at him, each time, looking at his face, then at his hand - so empty - where my hand should be. He looks around cautiously each time we had any form of contact. We were less than, we were smaller, we weren’t them. Not...
Things That Go Thump In The Night
I looked down at my chest. Something was different. I could hear a faint thumping. Could it be? It’s been months since I felt this. I felt life, I felt a feeling, an emotion. I was moved. A wall came down. It was a heart beat.
Deconstruction
A year of building walls. A year of desensitizing myself from reality, hoping that in some way, I would find meaning in my life. A year of trying to be strong on the exterior, a year of ignoring my interior. Basically, a year of fucking up my insides, and becoming a zombie - a heartless, emotionless zombie.
I gotta start learning to live. Learning to feel. Again. Where’s the wrecking ball?
December 2011
10 posts
Blank Canvases
You aren’t all that good.
I know I’m not - not now, not yet. I know some things can be learnt and this is definitely not one of them and being mediocre is completely not acceptable.
I will not do this to myself.
I know I’m still that kid who had it in me. Who created beauty and recognised it, way before his years. That sparkle in his eyes - said it all.
Mark my words, I...
Art Porn
Time to start something in my life. I need to paint the Mona Lisa, I need to build the Sistine Chapel, I need to fucking get out of this rut.
I need enrichment, I thirst for inspiration, I hunger for the visually orgasmic. I need to fuck an easel, I need an easel to fuck me. I need to jump into a pool of assorted oil paints naked and as I ascend slowly from the paint I will rub the swirling...
Gruelling Gradients
I wish I didn’t have to decide. Some things are better left undecided. Grey’s a nice colour - I like it. It’s not as harsh as black, and not as bland as white. I wish we could stay in gradients of colour all the time.
But I guess the reality of it is that if there were no defined colours, we wouldn’t know when to stop or go at junctions.
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-12-25) →
The Asteroids Galaxy Tour (12)
소녀시대 (12)
T-ara (9)
Madonna (8)
Martin Solveig, Dragonette & Idoling (8)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
“You is kind, you is smart, you is important.”
– Aibileen, The Help (2011)
“I’m going to cure you.”
Road to Recovery
The rain continues to patter on the cab window. A sappy ballet plays on the radio. Sitting here looking out into the night. Thinking. Though I know I shouldn’t be. How long could a week be? Really long? I thought to myself. The rain wasn’t helping. So wasn’t the taxi meter.
Wait for me. Cause I am.
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-12-11) →
Rihanna (23)
The Corrs (19)
Björk (15)
Suzanne Vega (14)
Adele (13)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
Hairy Noose
Why is it so hard to wait? Oh my gawd. No, why is it so hard for you to reply? A simple yes or no would suffice. God. Why oh why. Please give me a moment so that I can rip out my hair and knit it into a noose to hang myself.
Am I being too pushy? Too clingy? Too… Irritating? Oh god. This is karma’s doing - once again. I am becoming what I hate. Shit. I’m thinking too much. I...
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-12-4) →
The Corrs (73)
Rihanna (41)
2NE1 (30)
Enya (24)
Adele (22)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
November 2011
8 posts
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-11-27) →
Eric Saade (23)
The Corrs (19)
Nicole Scherzinger (11)
Kylie Minogue (11)
David Guetta (11)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
In A Hopeless Place
It’s been a while since I felt like this. It’s weird, it’s almost like I miss feeling this way. Hurts, but I like it. Feels more like a relief actually, I have my heart back again. It’s sad how I actually have to wait for my emotions to surface before actually feeling them. Honestly, slitting my wrists would be a less painful way. Ok, I exaggerate, can you blame me...
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-11-20) →
2NE1 (16)
Rihanna (15)
Black Eyed Peas (12)
The Corrs (11)
Colin Minogue (10)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
Hotter Than Fire (feat. Dev) - Eric Saade
My...
The Stand Still
There’s something about rainy days that make it easier to breathe. Literally and figuratively. It’s like time takes a backseat in space. Yet everyone’s always still rushing, and fretting about traffic, honking, honking and honking. Red light, green light, stop.
Just stop.
And listen.
To the rain.
And breathe it in.
Everything’s so beautiful washed in nature’s...
“Oh it’s just a normal Saturday night.”
I Trust You
My eyes shot wide open. Blood pumped through my veins so hard I could feel my arms pulsating. My blood started to boil, the heat seemed to be emitting through my skin and into the stale air of the stairwell.
Everything felt better than it actually felt. My heart was thumping in my ears. It felt so, so good. Thump, thump, thump. Oh yes. Thump, thump, thump. I was there. Yes.
I wiped the sweat...
Evolution
I thought to myself today. How two-faced can I be. How very very. Then I started to wonder how many faces I actually had. Was I the same as everyone? Who has really seen me? My face. Not a mask or some other face I put on to hide how I really am to please people.
I started to get confused and my head started to hurt. So I stopped thinking too much. I’m a prime ape again.
October 2011
4 posts
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-10-30) →
Rihanna (12)
The Corrs (7)
Barbra Streisand (5)
Skylar Grey (4)
Ke$ha (4)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-10-23) →
Skylar Grey (31)
Kylie Minogue (24)
Olivia Ong (12)
Lady Gaga (12)
Pitbull (9)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
“Halloweenie is the only night I won’t dress up”
– RuPaul
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-10-9) →
2NE1 (15)
The Corrs (12)
David Guetta (10)
Christina Aguilera (9)
The Saturdays (8)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
September 2011
7 posts
Amidst The Antlers
Do you know how much it hurts me when you say such things? In such demeaning ways? Do you know how much it hurts me? It angers me? Nope, I don’t think you’ll ever know.
You think you’re hurt - I know you are - but do you know how much it hurts me as well? You think I don’t want you to know? I want everyday to tell you so much, but I fear your disapproval, I fear your...
Opening Night
I love you gurl, you’ll fly one day.
You’ll soar.
My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2011-9-11) →
U-KISS (5)
Selena Gomez & The Scene (5)
Rihanna (3)
Pixie Lott (2)
The Corrs (2)
Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz
My Gingerbread House
It’s been weeks since I had much or any form of closure. My soul was rotting in some eternal hell hole of depression. Guess venturing out too much made me miss home - typical Cancerian, how typical. I walked around looking for some form of companionship, but I just realise all I wanted to do was to find a distraction.
I guess I found my home eventually - just when I thought I was too lost -...
Castles
All those dreams - those forgotten dreams. I wanted to be, I wanted to do, I wanted to fly. All gone. Thanks to reality, thanks to practicality, thanks to life.
How many of us will actually awake up from this infernal place that is reality, and learn to dream again? How many of us will trade in our everything, just for that one shot to complete that castle we once had in the sky, left unfinished,...
I Drink To That
We’re all waiting for things to happen. Sitting back, watching the world move by. The silent ticking of a clock somewhere in the background. Waiting. Wasting - Wasting away. Wishing for something to spontaneously happen. Ain’t going to work.
Wake the fuck up. Thanks.
Cheers (Drink To That) - Rihanna