I’m tired. Don’t want to sleep or I’ll feel like I’m wasting time. Stupid logic. I should start thinking in terms of productivity. Then again, I won’t be anymore productive tomorrow as I am today. I don’t like the feeling of coming home in the morning, and hearing the national anthem being played on the radio when I’m about to sleep. Doesn’t feel right.
O wells.
Butter was fun. I think people were staring when I was dancing to Don’t Cha. Then again, my dancing got gayer as the night progress. Ida Corr got my slut-dance mode on. Going to stop clubbing for a while. Till the one week break at least. Doubt I can last that long, but then again, I’m going to try. Pubbing doesn’t count does it? May Kylie be with me.
Weekends are too short. Amen.
Have you heard of the carrot and stick theory?
— Yeah, I’m a carrot child. Treat me good.
So ok, it’s over for now. Finally feel like I have time for FYP. I’m going to push, not going to disappoint. Him. Though he has a girlfriend. Byotch.
It seems like assignments keep piling up, it’s never going to stop. All I need’s a lesson-free day of FULL concentration to get through and catch up. But I’m expecting that “one fine day” to never come, so bummer. All in all, I have to buck the fuck up.
You are very behind time.
— Him. Yeah, I know I am.
I just want to get over this busy period so I can totally work on my FYP. It’s not fair that there’s so much shit. “Strong Xander, Strong Xander” Guess some of it is partially because of my mood swings, and my late nights, not wanting to sleep just yet. I should consider coming home early to do work. Tomorrow, tomorrow.
Good god. Halloween’s so freaking close. Yet. So far. Ok, NOT. Ack. Metallic fabric and white leather, whatever can I come up with? Then there’s always the wallet draining option of costume rental. But I need to get heels. Oh fuck me now.
Welcome to stage two of a crush, the realisation that “you wouldn’t ever get him”, as with all my previous serious crushes. Let’s see, then it’s a downward spiral in the “oh my god I’ll be single for life” stage and finally “I’m just glad you came into my life though it would have been nice to date you” stage.
Hmm.
Ok my buffer period of no morning class is ending in a day’s time. And after that I’ll have to work harder. I thought by meeting today, she will ask me to ammend the “minor changes” but it so happens, her definition of minor was different from mine.
“Oh, you know I have a friend in product design? There’s no future in it.”
I’m not sure what I’m doing now, in school, for halloween, in life. It’s like I’m observing an orgy from afar, and not joining it. I’m just walking in circles around the action, pretending to do something, but not altogether. It’s kind of a shitty feeling cause you know the people already in the orgy’s going to cum before you, and you’ll be left wanking alone.
Wow. I was just perverse and deep at the same time. Deep. Ok, I’m done being perverse.
I have to start planning my days. Like doing a project time schedule for my life in general. More Microsoft Excel. Faints. Tired. Sexually frustrated. Need a break. Halloween just made this week more stressful. Drink. Smoke. Drink. Smoke. Make out. I’m trying to psycho myself to be happy. Happy place. Sue me.
Ok. Breathe. Colin Moy needs to breathe. Weekend. So. Fucking. Close. Alas it is not for rest, but for me to catch the fuck up with my work.
Good god, I have sunk to the bottom of oblivion. I’m not being noticed. Not in a good way even if I was. Everything’s crashing. My procrastination’s gotten the best of me. My fatigue is becoming a fucking pain in the ass. I need to step up my game, though I think I haven’t even started playing. Fuck. I can’t do this. Stop time, stop the fucking time!
Deep breath.
God. I’m crashing and burning. Tomorrow’s NAPFA. So much for training for it. Stupid. And I thought “there was SOOO much time left”. Hello to my extra 2 months. Ok. Seriously, I need to stop this post. I’m getting more flustered by the second.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Think about seeing him in school tomorrow.
Think about the cigarette I’ll smoke after NAPFA.
Think about the weekend, when I can actually finish up some of my work.
Breathe.
School didn’t go too badly today, just that I found out I got Public Speaking for my CDS. I don’t like being pressured into talking. I know it’ll be do or die for me if you force something out of me, and most of the time it’s die - that includes sex or any form of foreplay. I digress.
I supposed even if there was something going on, what the hell are the chances? It’s near impossible. I probably won’t have the guts to make any move of sorts considering our positions - not sexual, I wish. He probably won’t make a move cause, hell, it’s near perverse. At least there’s something now, I’m just inching for a bit more and I guess I’ll be satisfied.
Well that’s about all that’ll revolve my life for the next few days, or weeks, or at least till halloween shopping and the day itself: School, the impossible love story, and more school. There’s actually much to do for the next few days, until I get my biological system syncronised with school and play - the club and the word.
I need to be more enthusiastic about stuff. Life. In general. Woo.
Internship’s over. I’m supposed to have more time to myself. Apparently not.
Just watched Mortal Kombat: Annihilation again, even though it was already 2am when I started watching. And it’s a school night. First of many. I’m just glad I can dress more like a faggot in school, so tomorrow, being the first day of school after 3 months, I’m wearing my whore shorts as a liberating act. Yay.
I had a pretty scary dream about fainting and Red Alert last night. I was with my classmates, when suddenly I grew faint, and my vision blurred. Everything became white and I collapsed. When everything cleared, I was playing Red Alert 3 for my life. If I’d lost to the Allies, I would never wake up. I eventually did (ego boost), and woke up. I was already surrounded by my classmates, and an ambulance was on the way. “I don’t need a doctor, I need a psychiatrist” I said, “before I blank out again…” then I blank out again. But this time my vision went white cause my mom was drawing the curtains to my room. I had woken up.
Shit. I have a gaming problem.
Anyways, I have many things to do tomorrow, hope I’m up for it. One thing’s for sure, a smoke break’s only a walk to the reservoir away. Yay. I need to get a new pack first.
I’m gonna blow your ass off!
— Myself. Gesturing in a black momma way. In public. Realised I was gesturing only after 13876134 cars drove past me.
Wondering if I should sleep. Now. It’s already 3. But I have a huge-ass assignment due. Don’t want to disappoint. I’ll wake up and go to the office early tomorrow. Well. Not much time left for sleep anymore.
There was a sudden high influx of R&B songs playing on radio just now. The usual heart-throb, oh-baby-you-so-fine-imma-make-you-mine, dance-dance-in-MTV songs. Not to mention the occasional topless scene *cough* Samuel *cough* Jay Sean.
Suddenly going back to school doesn’t seem like a bad idea. I’m kind of getting pumped about FYP, after the new brief was released. Guess it’s about time I got inspired. What’s not cool’s the “have to have concepts by Friday” meeting on the last day of internship. But still, not dreading it as much as I would have thought I will - okay, did that make sense?
Wanted to play a game of Red Alert before I slept tonight, but I guess there’s no such time. Not tonight at least. Sigh, no Yuriko tonight. No Tanya. No NATASHA. Boring. I’ll just go to sleep now. I’m getting a brain tumor from boredom.
